Why Didn't you tell me?
by ANameWrittenInWater
Summary: She wants to tell him, but she can't. Every time she looks at him, she tries to convince herself to tell him, but she knows what will happen if she does. No one can know. She just tries to forget, but she's so scared. She can't. She's so tired. Ten/Rose
1. Now, Lost

**A/N: Okay pretend the whole thing with the human Doctor didn't happen, and Rose stayed with the Doctor after JE. This is set one month after that.**

**This is kind of depressing, so if you don't like really serious things then you might not want to read this. It is something I feel quite strongly about, so I had this idea and thought i'd try it. Hope you enjoy. **

**Oh, btw I used to be XdramaticnessX but I changed my user name.**

Why didn't you tell me?

His hands drifted from her waist slowly down to her legs as he deepened the kiss. Rose's hands gripped tighter onto the Doctor's arms. His hand was moving upwards, along her thighs, against the soft fabric of her knickers. The kiss faded into nothing as he touched her.

And that was it. She couldn't stand it anymore. The memories were too strong. She gasped and shuffled quickly along the bed, wrapping her arms around her knees, her face away from him.

"Rose, are you okay?" He asked, automatically reaching out to touch her, even though he was scared she would reject him. She slowly turned around to face him, but her arms were still wrapped protectively around her legs.

"Yeah... I'm fine. I just don't feel like doing this tonight." Her voice shook, along with her hands.

The Doctor wasn't going to fall for that again. He looked into her eyes, and saw deep fear. He took her hand, and lowered his voice. "Rose, what's really going on?"

Rose quickly looked down and his hand around hers, avoiding his gaze. Tears filled her eyes as the Doctor spoke again.

"You think I haven't noticed? Of course I have. Something's scaring you. Rose, i've never seen you so scared before."

Rose was determined not to let the tears spill. She couldn't tell him. She just couldn't. It was too hard. She just wanted to forget.

But the Doctor wouldn't give up. Something was deeply wrong. "I can't help unless I know what's wrong." He said softly. Rose looked up at his worried, tired eyes, and the tears betrayed her, falling quickly out of her eyes.

The Doctor wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead. His embrace gave Rose a tiny ounce of strength.

She took a deep breath, and looked down at her shaking hands. "It happened two months ago, before we were together again." Her voice sounded stronger than she expected.

"What happened?" The Doctor gently prompted her when she didn't say anything for a minute.

Rose looked at him again, and pain and anxiety filled her. She had no idea how to tell him her secret. She tried to convince herself that all it would take was three little words.

"Someone hurt you." The Doctor said. It wasn't a question. He could guess what happened to her. The way she pushed him away every time he came too close told him, and how she had changed. Of course change was inevitable, they had been apart for two years. But she always looked tired. He knew she couldn't sleep. She had been trying to pretend everything was okay, but he could see through her.

Rose nodded and looked away again, before drifting her eyes slowly back to his. She took another deep breath, trying to ignore the fact that her lungs seemed to have shrunken. "I can't." She said, her voice breaking. When she looked up, her face was drenched with tears and her mascara had smudged under her eyes.

The Doctor's hearts were beating fast. Rose was broken, and he wondered if she was damaged beyond repair. Her cupped her face with his hands looked into her eyes with a gaze so intense she couldn't look away.

"Rose, listen to me." He said softly. "You haven't told anyone what happened, and you can't keep it to yourself for much longer." He paused. "Please tell me."

Rose held his gaze for a moment, and the pain in his eyes made up her mind. She pulled her head away from his gentle grip, got off the bed and walked into the control room. She sat down by the computer and opened up a word document. The Doctor quickly joined her, looked slightly confused, but also curious and worried.

Rose didn't trust herself to speak. So she wrote. Then she turned the screen towards the Doctor and looked away from him as he read;

'_I was raped'_


	2. Then, The Party

**A/N: I am hoping I can get away with this rated T, cos I don't like rating things M cos less people read it. If you think it should be rated M, please can you tell me? Reviews are apprieciated. Hope you enjoy. **

Then... The party

_I am on the train coming home from work one day in October when my phone rings. I look at the screen and see it is Kit, my best friend in this parallel world. I answer and say hello, pleased that she is calling. It's been a while since I spoke to her, and I miss her. I know I should spend more time with her than I do. I am not as good as a friend to her as I should be. She has helped me deal with losing the Doctor. Of course I miss him more than anything, and I still think about him everyday. He is written over my memories with indelible ink. I will never forget him, and I am grateful for the memories. I dream that I will be with him again one day, even though it is impossible. But I am happier than I was when I first came here, (even though I will never be as happy as I was) and that is because of Kit. I didn't tell her the truth, obviously. I told her that he died. She helped me deal with my grief in a healthy way. I think the Doctor would be proud of how I have dealt with this. I wonder again, where he is and if he is okay. _

"_Hi, Rose, I am just calling to make sure you can come to the party tonight." Kit says, interupting my reverie._

"_Yeah, i'm gunna go home and get changed then I'll be there." I say as I step off the train. Luckily, I live ten minutes away from the station._

"_Okay, thanks hun. See ya later."_

"_Bye" I say and hang up. I rub my arms with my hands, hunching over slightly. It's cold. I hate the cold. Winter is so depressing. _

_Ten minutes later I am home. I shout "I'm home" loud enough for everyone to hear. Then I go upstairs to my room quickly, I only have half an hour to get ready. I guess it doesn't really matter if I am a bit late to the party, though. I sigh. To be honest, I don't really want to go to this party. Kit is nineteen, and even though she is one of the most sympathetic, mature people I have met, she likes the kind of parties I don't. I used to like parties a lot, before I met the Doctor. But now they seem kind of pointless. I know I need to get used to domestic-ness again. I actually sound like the Doctor sometimes when I moan about pointless domestic things. I can't help it!_

_I am at the party. Even though the only person I know is Kit, I am having a good time. Most of her friends are from college and they are all okay. I walk into her small kitchen and pour myself a drink. I look at the couple making out in the corner, feeling uncomfortable watching them. I turn around to go back into the lounge, but someone taps my arm. I turn around and see a guy who looks like he is in his late twenties, smiling at me. I smile back, but I don't really want to speak to him. I know he is probably just being friendly, but I don't want to date anymore. I'm not ready for that. Even though me and the Doctor were never officially together, we still loved each other. Nothing changes that. _

"_Hey." He says. He is not particularly good looking, but not ugly. He is just a normal bloke. His hair is dark and he has green eyes, which to be honest, kind of freak me out. They look weary._

"_Hi" I smile at him, just being friendly._

_He smiles back. "What's your name? I'm Ric."_

"_I'm Rose. How do you know Kit?" I ask. _

_He frowns slightly. "We used to be neighbours." He says. I notice that he sounds hesitant. But then he smiles. "I noticed that you look bored, Rose."_

_I raise my eyebrows. "I'm not bored."_

_Ric smiles. He leans towards me and wispers in my ear "I am."_

_Okay, this is not what I want. Why does he have to flirt? I smile, but I am careful not to lead him on. _

_He doesn't get the hint. "Why don't you come for a walk with me?"_

"_It's freezing out! And I was thinking about going home soon anyway." I say, wishing I could think of a better excuse. I'm sure he's a nice guy, I just really don't want a relationship or a one night stand or anything like that. _

"_That's cool. I'll take you home." He says, sounded innocent enough. _

"_Umm, okay." I say, giving in. I guess I am just too nice. "But you really don't have to, I only live about fifteen minutes away." _

"_There's no problem, Rose. I am gunna head home anyway." _

_I observe him for a moment, then decide I can trust him. He does seem like a nice guy, and he's friends with Kit so he can't be that bad._

_I tell Kit that I am leaving. She thanks me for coming and hugs me, then stumbles off with a bottle of WKD in her hand. I smile at her, glad she is having a good time. I walk into the corridor and see Ric waiting for me at the door. He smiles again when he sees me, and puts his hand on the small of my back, which makes me a bit uneasy. It's freezing out, so we walk quickly._

"_Where do you live?" He asks._

"_Elmer Lane." I hope he doesn't expect me to ask him in, 'cause i'm not going to. _

_We have been walking for a few minutes when Ric takes my arm and walks down a quiet lane I don't recognise. _

"_Where are we going? My house isn't this way." I say. I wish I wasn't with him._

"_No" He says, "But my car is." _

_I really don't want to get in a car with him. This feels wrong. I say nothing, and Ric unlocks the door of his car. I step in the passenger seat nervously, as he gets into the drivers seat. He looks relaxed. He turns to me and smiles again. His smile makes me feel uncomfortable. He puts the keys back in his pocket, still looking at me. My heart beats faster. _

"_Umm, aren't you gunna drive?" I ask, hoping my voice doesn't show my fear._

"_What's the rush? I just want to get to know you." His voice sounds friendly, but I don't trust him._

"_I have an early start tomorrow, so I really need to..." I break off as he leans towards me and presses his lips against mine. Before I can react, his hand reaches behind me and locks my door. I shove him away, furiously. "Get off me!" My voice shakes._

"_Ssh, just relax." He says calmly, and edges towards me and kisses me again. His body is pressed against mine so I can't move. I try to shove him off me, but I am too weak. I'm scared. My heart is racing and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. _

_He finally ends the kiss to get air, and I am hyperventilating. _

"_Stop." I say as loudly as I can, but my voice is weak and shaking. He just looks at me, and kisses me again. More fiercely than before. His hands are moving down, they are everywhere, all over me. He is so strong. I can't push him away. Doctor I need you. Help me. _

"_No" I gasp. I try to kick him away and he holds me down and rips my tights, desperately trying to get them off me. "Please, stop" I beg. But he won't. It is too late. A sharp pain rips through me and I scream. _

"_Ssh" he hisses, no longer calm. I can't breathe. I just want it to be over. But it feels like forever. Please, someone hear me. Make him stop. _

_I reach behind me to try and unlock my door, but he grabs my arm and pulls it away. I can feel his nails digging into me. _

_I'm gasping for air every time he breaks the kiss. Please, just make it be over. It has to be over soon. It feels like it has been hours. I try to tell him to stop, but I can't speak. And it would be useless anyway. _

_Finally, he finishes. I push him off me with as much strength as I can manage, then I unlock the door and stumble out. I pull my skirt down, not caring that my underwear is still in his car. I just have to get away from him as quickly as possible. I run. My legs are shaking hard but I keep running. I don't even know for sure where I am going. I am dizzy. The ground is moving. I fall a few times, but every time I just get up and start running again. It is only when I get to my house that I realise I am only wearing one shoe. I don't care, it doesn't matter. I pull the key out of my pocket with shaking hands, and unlock the front door. _

_Everyone has gone to sleep. For a moment, I just stand there. I don't know what to do. Then I take off my shoe and throw it in the bin. I can't really see where I am going, but I don't want to turn on the lights because I will wake everyone up. _

_I am shaking so hard I have to sit down at the kitchen table. I bury my head in my hands and close my eyes, but I can still see him. The tears come, and I don't bother trying to stop them. I'm still scared. I will always be scared. _

_It is not long before I am sobbing. Once I start, I can't stop. I wish the Doctor was here._

_I am still shaking. _

_Once I can breathe normally again, I stumble upstairs, into my bathroom and I step into the shower. The water is hot but I don't notice until I get out and I am dizzy from the heat. _

_I am still shaking._

_The next morning I wake up later than I usually would. I get dressed and do my make up, carefully covering the truth along with the dark rings under my eyes. I can't tell anyone what happened. I just can't. I can't cope with the consequences. My life has been ruined, and there is nothing I can do to change that. There is no point ruining my Mum's too, by telling her what happened. It won't change anything, anyway. It still happened. _


	3. Now, Speak

Now...

The Doctor watched Rose sleep. She looked young and deeply relaxed in sleep. It was probably the only chance she got to forget about what happened. He wondered if she were dreaming.

"Do you know what get's me to sleep at night?" She had asked, just before she fell asleep.

"What?" The Doctor said, softly.

"I think about how when I wake up, there will be five seconds when I can't remember what happened." She mumbled.

The Doctor hadn't known what to say. He felt like crying. He wanted to help her, but he didn't know how. He felt so fucking useless.

So instead he stayed up all night, watching her sleep. He wouldn't make the mistake of not being there for her again. Once was too much.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When Rose woke up, she felt normal. Then she remembered. The familiar feelings of anxiety and numbness filled her. The Doctor had wandered off somewhere, to which Rose was grateful. She didn't want to hide the pain on her face. It felt like too much effort. Now he knew about the rape, there wasn't much to hide anymore anyway.

When she was ready, she walked into the control room. The Doctor was standing, holding two halves of a broken hammer. He put them down when he saw Rose, and smiled at her.

"Hey." He said. "How are you?"

Out of habit, Rose almost said "fine." But then she realised that the Doctor wouldn't believe her for a second. She answered truthfully. "I don't know." She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. She hesitated, then said, "I've tried so hard to keep it from everyone."

"I know." The Doctor said, sympathetically. "But you need to talk about it now. Otherwise you'll break."

The sympathy in his voice made Rose cry again. The Doctor hugged her until she calmed down. She felt safe when she was with him. She trusted him. So she could tell him, couldn't she?

Before she started, she looked away from him. She couldn't bear to see the anger and pain in his eyes that her story would bring. She took a deep breath and began, telling herself that she would feel better afterwards.

"I was at my friend's party. I was bored and I was about to go home, but I went into the kitchen and got something to drink first. And... There was this guy. His name was Ric. He was chatting me up, but I didn't like him. Even though he seemed nice, I just didn't like him. I wanted to go home, so he said he would take me. I felt sort of... Pressured. I wasn't scared, I was just not really that comfortable around him. So we left, and he took me down this road which I didn't know, and that's when I started getting scared." She paused, not wanting to go on. But she continued anyway. "I got in his car, but he wouldn't drive. He said, 'what's the rush?' I was scared. And then..." Rose looked at the Doctor, needing him. Reading her need for comfort in her eyes, he put his arm around her and rubbed her back.

"Go on." He encouraged, softly.

She couldn't handle it. She burst into tears again. For some reason, now she was crying, it was easier to say. "And then he kissed me and I tried to push him away but I couldn't. He raped me."

She had said it, but she didn't want to stop now she had started. She wanted to describe how Ric had made her feel. "Being... raped, it feels worse than you would imagine. It feels like you have no control over anything anymore. It feels like your choking. And... you're just... scared to _death._ But not only that, when I tried to make him stop and he wouldn't, I felt really angry. Everytime I tried to push him away I would get this... surge of anger when he didn't stop." Rose said, through her tears, which were very reluctant to stop falling. "After, I didn't want to go out. I forced myself to, but I was always on edge. I just felt scared all the time. The only time I felt good was when I was asleep. But then i'd get nightmares about it, so I guess I didn't even feel good when I was asleep. In the morning, I wake up feeling nervous and just... Physically wrong, and that feeling never went away. I still get scared, but not so much because now we are on different universes to eachother I won't see him."

"I can see why you felt like that. And I think you are amazing to survive it on your own. From now on you don't have to do this alone. You've got me." The Doctor said. Heartwarmed by his words, Rose looked up at him and attempted a smile.

"I'm lucky to have you." She already knew this. She would never make the mistake of taking him for granted again.


	4. Me and a Gun

_5am  
Friday morning  
Thursday night  
Far from sleep  
I'm still up and driving  
Can't go home  
obviously  
So I'll just change direction  
Cause they'll soon konw where I live  
And I wanna live_

Got a full tank and some chips  
It was me and a gun  
And a man on my back  
And I sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants  
You can laugh  
It's kind of funny things you think  
at times like these  
Like I haven't seen Barbados  
So I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing  
Does that mean I should spread  
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed

Me and a gun  
and a man  
On my back  
But I haven't seen Barbados  
So I must get out of this  
Yes I wore a slinky red thing  
Does that mean I should spread  
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed  
And I know what this means  
Me and Jesus a few years back  
Used to hang and he said  
"It's your choice babe just remember  
I don't think you'll be back in 3 days time  
So you choose well"  
Tell me what's right  
Is it my right to be on my stomach  
of Fred's Seville

Me and a gun  
and a man  
On my back  
But I haven't seen Barbados  
So I must get out of this

And do you know Carolina  
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet  
These things go through you head  
When there's a man on your back  
And you're pushed flat on your stomach  
It's not a classic cadillac

Me and a gun  
and a man  
On my back  
But I haven't seen Barbados  
So I must get out of this

_Me and a Gun Tori Amos_


End file.
